“Meet your FEAR…” many people told Sameera in many different ways. “But, how do I look into its face?” She didn’t know how to do.
Sameera is fearful and Sameera is bold… both at the same time. She is so courageous to face the world but so very scared to get present to her own vulnerability.
When she was very young, she was rarely allowed to play. if at all allowed, it would be for a short time… should come back by so and so time. Getting late will only to get bashed up. So, whenever she knows she is late, it would panic her and the first thing she would think about was to put her reason in a gentle way that could not only justify the delay, also will not make her mother angry or think anything wrong about her. In the process, her mind would go haywire thinking what to put first and what comes later.
But no luck! Her story remains the same… invariably she would end up facing the music.
“How could you be so careless..no time sense at all?”
“Why did you not let your little brother play with you?
This little brother will have a smile from ear to ear…
“When are you going to learn responsibility?” And so on.
By that time, she is already lost in her thoughts thinking… this explanation has not helped me much. A better reason next time…
“What is going to happen? I am curious… What would be the reason for my Mom to scold me now?”
For not letting uncle know my rank… not getting inside and mind my studies or it would be for not offering water or for sitting in front of them?
“Sameera, can’t you see how dirty dining table is? At least you could have done a little cleaning…I was busy making coffee… what do they think?”
“What do they think?”… She looked at the dining table that is absolutely clean.
“why would they think about our dining table?” She got puzzled with this new reason.
Next time, I will not give a chance to find any fault…” thought to herself.
“Yes!! This time I have completed everything that has been told. Now Mom will not have any reason to scold me…”
“Sameera, look at those clothes…they are still hanging on the rope. You would have folded and put them inside…isn’t it… instead of sitting idle?”
Unreasonable reasons would haunt and justifications were too tiresome for her…not knowing what will happen next. She grew up with many such reasons that have always kept her busy and occupied, so was this ‘storyteller’ in her mastering the ‘justification’ skill. In fact ahead of time… because a preparation is a must to live every new moment coming up. It has reached a point where she is always ready with an ‘answer’ even before a question is being asked…no…no ‘justification’! It is better to ‘play safe’
The irony is, nobody wants to hear the answer….only questions were asked! This is even more confusing and it has pushed her into a bigger fear… “Maybe I can never be right!”.
This one thought has ruled her life…crushed her confidence…never she could trust herself. Even though she would do everything so meticulously with total involvement, it wouldn’t give her any satisfaction rather she would put herself into a lot of pressure… “I think, I need to make it better”. Again this would prompt her to give an ‘explanation’. The amount of vulnerability is beyond the measure.
Many years later, she was once told… “you are good the way you are… start trusting yourself” That has made her thinking… but not very sure if it is true! “Even though I don’t know how ‘good’ I am and how much ‘goodness’ I have… at least I can give a thought to it”.
The first thing she did was… stopped running and started looking at things with a quiet mind. Earlier, she never had time to watch… as her mind was busy jumping into the next moment. While in the game of running and chasing… she would blame herself a lot for not getting it right, not doing right, not being able to do this and that, fearful to ask or to express…
Slowing down has helped her to see what is happening at the moment. She has trained her mind to take a moment to stay there and slowly started having a conversation with herself about everything. It has become easy to grow out of apprehensions, fears and importantly… it is not required for her to think of ‘reasons’ anymore. It has not only changed her as a person, also made her more a stable person.
Sameera is still training herself to be bold and strong… not with the world… with herself!